one morning in the world of harry potter there was a new and different looking shop from the others and this weird shop was called puo’s potent powder shop , puo’s potent powder shop had the most quirky fascinating powders in all of the lands and it’s owner was me puo.
in the shop of many powders, my most creative powders include of flotation powder that is a powder that whenever it comes in contact of anything it makes them float for 12 hours exactly so they will keep floating all day long,my next special one is a powder called animal shifting powder that if digested it will turn you into the animal or living being on that packet that is written in bold ink for 3 hours so its not like you have to stay in animal form forever.But last of all my very favourite is called diymention powder,it is a powder is for making magic circles that can transport you to different and cool dimensions and once your there you stay there for how long you like, it could be forever but when you want to come back to the city of harry potter you build another magic circle where you are and you will be transported back , these are my all time favorite products is my shop.
But about a single year after my shop was built, i had one customer that would always come to our shop ever week and i would always chat with her about my favourite powders at the time, then she goes and buys one of my top powders i had in the store so i thought about it and since she was our best customer i would make a special powder for her the next week he came to the shop. I started to think relentlessly of ideas for what new and special powder to make her. Then i thought of the perfect powder to make i was going to be a crafting powder that you put in a pile then flatten down and think of what craft item you want and pull it out of the powder, so i started to create it and so i got out the magical ingredients to make it and they were a white demon horn, rainbow crystal and a holy kingdom tree root then i put them in a legendary devil stone mortar and pestle then i started to crush them up until they become a gritty powder . then before i knew it , it had turn into a powder so a walked over grabbed a bag then put the powder i made in it , i was so happy with myself then it was time my favourite customer had just walked through the door so i walked to the counter and ask her for what powder she wanted and she pick one of my oldest and that was animal shifting powder so i put it in a jar but also snuck in the powder i made with a paper slip that i wrote “thanks for all the support” , and she didn’t notice me put it in the jar but then just before she left the door she spotted it then all i did was smiled and said “it’s just a present from me” and then she left with a cheerful look on her face, i was really proud that our shop is that special that girl comes every single week and buys one of my powders that are in stock and now my shop has more money to make more different and fantastic creations and that’s how my journey went.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Lukas,
Here is some feedback.
Watch your capital letters. There are many examples of mistakes in your writing. You need to catch these and correct them.
Remember that when ever you start writing about a new idea, you need to start a new paragraph. This is true for dialogue as well. Whenever there is a new speaker, they start a new paragraph.
You are repeating yourself a lot. Try finding new ways to write something so you are not just using the same words over and over again.
You are focusing on creating a narrative, rather than a description. Remember this is all about creating a description of the shop so that your readers can see it in their mind. You want the detail to be apparent for them.
Keep at it.
Mr Johnson
Hi Lukas,
In addition to the previous feedback,
Read your work out loud. It will help you identify the moments where your writing isn’t reflecting your ideas.
You swap your point of view from 2nd person to 1st person. Choose one and stick with it throughout your entire piece.
Remember this is about the description of the store. The building, sounds, sights, smells. etc. Not a narrative story. Focus on the descriptive elements.
Mr Johnson